As a primer, I come from a conservative family, hailing from the largest minority in Singapore. As such, there is greater emphasis for family unity (which is eroding quite rapidly for a large part of Singapore society), maintenance of a moderate lifestyle, and above all else, a strict observance to duty to God.
It can all be very daunting: much like how the Elevens in Code Geass’ Britannia-era Japan have a loathing grudge against the new government, much of my thinking is influenced by the rhetoric of injustices that are hidden behind the facade of "multiculturalism" and "meritocracy." I had tried adopting a "Kino" approach to thinking, and take on views as they are, without psychological filters.
Yet, this sense of loss is perpetrated by various "pull" and "push" factors surrounding my life.
One was my hobby: anime.
Towards the end of 2003, the sense of anime "as a hobby/lifestyle" only began after a risible introduction to, what else, Naruto. It was only when I began to explore other series that anime became a part of my lifestyle.
The entire lifestyle is centred on the Internet, with the approach towards Bittorrent as the main driving force behind the exploration and a deeper understanding of the hobby. It was pretty much how I got into the subculture behind it: the watercooler conversations on forums, introduction to manga, introduction to various seiyuus, introduction to fan-made & fan-driven culture etc.
It pretty much filled a void in my life, giving me a form of distraction to get through with the monotony of daily grind in the schools and, subsequently, National Service. At the same time, it gave me an appreciation in Japanese mentality and culture, and after exposing myself by visiting the country 2 years ago, I found something to relate to.
So I thought everything was fine and dandy. Until…
Thus, came a series of change reactions that eventually changed my perspective towards my hobby.
In that time, however, I researched on the various issues and topics that was related to the case at hand. One of the topics that was continuously featured was the RIAA cases in the US, the DMCA and the various challenges all over the world in regards to the copyright issue.
It was then that the "copyright war" became my next drive against the oppressive actions by companies. Reading after reading of every article that touched on the sensitive issue pointed out to the need for a push factor in legalizing P2P sharing amongst the business entities.
As time goes on, however, real world finally began to creep onto my psyche. At this time, I’ve come out from National Service, and had begun working as a contract worker (a Diploma in IT does not guarantee you a placement in that line until you are on the Dean’s List). Thus began an exercise in introspection.
For a while now, every action that was taken online would be carefully monitored and scrutinized, ensuring that there wouldn’t be any effect on my personal well-being insofar as it not affecting my physical health. But for one thing that brings me back to reality, it’s my family.
(Serious somber tone ahead. This is serious business.)
For a very long time, my family — especially my parents — had a long struggle in this country.
My father formerly worked in an environment where he was able to see through all spectrums of life. My mother was more direct: if you can personify every single ugly Singaporean — and universally hated — values and traits onto one entity, that’d be her in-laws. (She’s not a Singaporean, by the way.)
The circumstances that my family was faced, culminated in the breaking of the camel’s back with the death of my paternal grandmother. She was ultimately loathed by my mother, for the fact that she had been the key figure in torturing my mother’s psychology to oblivion during her first 5 years of marriage.
Yet, it was her children’s (my father’s siblings’) behaviour before, during and after her funeral that really made anyone’s day. Long story short, an utterly retching behaviour unlike any civilized person would do.
And as such, they had believed that Singapore encompasses everything that is hated, loathed and grudged upon. Thus, they decided they had enough of the country.
Emigration is an aspect of social structure that nobody in Singapore are willing to explore. (Good pointer will be Alex the zebra in Madagascar, at 11:38: "Doesn’t it bother you guys that you don’t know anything about life outside the zoo?") The government had given them a good life, so why should they enter the unknown?
If there’s one blog I would refer to as a guide and hope, that would be KnightOfPentacles’ Singapore Serf blog. (Rest in peace, fellow emigrant.)
(End of serious somber tone.)
As I look at a bigger picture, one thing that resonates all too well for me was this:
I lack a purpose.
For all the circumstances and all the situations that I went through, I lack a true purpose in life. Without an aim or a true dream, I felt like Tatsushiro Satou of Welcome to The NHK!. There is a struggle for me to assert who I am, and what I wanted to be in the future.
But for now, anime has taken a slow train ride for me. Even though I still appreciate the medium, the fan community behind it has devolved into an infantile self-parodying blob. I find the covert soft core pornography in many of the shows really cliché and distasteful, the plot too predictable, the character designs too bland (I grew out of the moé phenomenon) and, in truth, the medium has become too commercialised.
I have nothing against the fans that bought the merchandises, figurines and the DVDs: it’s something that they love. It’s the clockwork of routine "hype the show, broadcast it, sell the merchandises, sell broadcasting rights all over Japan and the world, ???, profit" that made me put off by the constant churning out of new shows. The last time I was pulled into anime was Macross Frontier (and probably Code Geass R2). After that, my interest waned.
I grew out of the hobby, because it has become obsessed with superficiality and materialism. I find it very obnoxious, to the point that I could not be arsed to watch anything special about anime.
And so, while two people are fighting away against Oscar, Delta, Echo, X-ray (in which I shall give my 100% support), I shall chart out a new identity on my own, out of the madness that is Singapore, madness that is the anime fan community, and the madness of a quarter-life crisis.
Sometimes, we may all wonder how long will the road take us to. Along the way, multiple crossroads will overwhelm us, confound us and make us despair. In the end, we will reach for what we desire for and achieve a dream for ourselves. For one thing, my school motto will always be my guide: True to Self.
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